Buffy's Torment
by Agent-Meg
Summary: Buffy deals with Spike's death as she tries to confront her feelings about him
1. Default Chapter

Well, this is my first fan fic. I did my best. I find it pretty bring so far, but I hope I can make it more exciting. I really NEED reviews, so please do tell me what you think. And don't be scared of hurting my feelings *sob*. Anyway, whatever I'm suppose to say, lets just pretend I said it. I down own any of the Buffy characters. Joss Whedon does, god bless him. Oh, and if anyone knows how I can space my story out more, do tell. Thanks! And I really hope you enjoy!  
  
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It was raining. The rain was coming down hard and fast, and Buffy was blinded by it. She couldn't see anything in front of her. Then she heard a voice. "Buffy!" a familiar voice shouted, "Buffy, where are you?" "Spike?" cried out Buffy, "Is that really you?" Buffy started running to the direction where she had heard the voice. "Where are you Buffy?" said Spike again, but this time the voice was softer and farther away. Buffy spun in a circle, confused. She tried to find where the voice was coming from, but it was useless. "Spike! Spike!" she shouted, but there was no response. Buffy woke up with a clang suddenly, startled. She looked down at the ground from her bed and saw her clock, which had fallen and woken her up. She picked it up slowly and put it back in the nightstand. Buffy stared at the clock for a few moments in silence. It had been almost a month since Spike died and Sunnydale destroyed. She pulled the comforter up to her neck as she listened to the rain banging on the roof outside. "Spike. I wish you hadn't left me," she thought to herself. Buffy tried not to think about Spike much. She tried to distract herself by paying extra attention to the others. Having the slayerettes around was a nice distraction as well, but she could never escape from thinking of Spike, not that she really wanted to. Buffy pressed her face on the side of the pillow and turned toward the window as she tried to go back to sleep. She then began crying, but tried to be quite, as to not wake the others. She cried slowly with quite sobs. "Why? Why can't you be here now?" She looked at the rain outside. "It's not fair". Sleep took over her surprisingly quickly and Buffy soon fell asleep, tears still wet on her face.  
  
"Good morning Buffy!" said Willow cheerfully the next morning. "I made pancakes! See?" She showed Buffy the pan with little smiley face pancakes on it. Buffy smiled weakly. "Looks good. Where's the rest of the gang?" "Well, we decided since it was such a rainy day, the girls should get a treat and go see a movie. Xander, Giles, and Dawn went with them," answered Willow as she poured Mrs. Buttersworth syrup onto a plate of pancakes. "Why didn't you go?" asked Buffy. Willow handed her the plate. "I didn't want to leave you here all lonesomey" said Willow. "Feel like renting a movie or playin' a board game or something?" "No, but thanks anyway Willow. I think I'm going to go for a walk". Willow looked outside and then back at Buffy. "Buffy, you do realize it's raining out, don't you". Buffy looked out the window "Oh, right, I forgot. I think I'll go to the gym then". "Okedokey" said Willow, trying to stay cheerful. "I'll catch up with ya later then Buffy". Buffy nodded, put on her jacket, and walked out the door into the cold, pouring rain. Willow look out after her. "Buffy, I really hope you're ok" she said aloud to herself before turning back to the kitchen and throwing away the uneaten smiley pancakes.  
  
Pieces of ruble fall around Buffy and Spike as they stand in the Hellmouth cavern. "Go on then" Spike orders. "No, no, you've done enough. You could still-" Buffy looked at Spike pleadingly. "No, you've beaten them back. It's time for me to do the cleanup," Spike said. Faith is calling down at Buffy to come as the walls begin to collapse around then. Spike looks at Buffy. "Gotta movie lamb, I think it's fair to say school's out for bloody summer". "Spike!" cried Buffy, worried. "I mean it!" Spike said, "I gotta do this". He holds out his hand to stop her. Buffy laves her fingers with Spike's and they burst into flames together. Buffy looks into his eyes. "I love you" Buffy said softly. Spike looks at her. "No you don't, but thanks for saying it". The scene stops and rewinds. "I love you" Buffy said softly. Spike looks at her. "No you don't, but thanks for saying it". It stops and rewinds back slightly. "No you don't, but thanks for saying it". The words echo over and over again. Buffy woke up in tears. She was covered in sweat. She got up and walked into the bathroom. She turned on the water and tossed some on her face. She looked into the mirror. "You were wrong Spike," she whispered. "I did love you. I didn't know it then. But I know now. I've loved you for quite sometime. But I didn't see it." She struggles to hold back her tears. "You were wrong!" she cried out as she sobbed the painful words. "You were wrong and now you're gone!" "I need you Spike," she sobbed painfully; "I don't like being here without you".  
  
"But they need you" a small voice said in her head. "They need you, you can't leave them all, not now, not again". "I don't care what they need!" said another voice as it rang through Buffy's mind. "I want Spike!" "But you love tour friends too Buffy," said the other voice. "You can't leave them". "But what about Spike!" screamed Buffy, no longer in her head, but out loud. "He can't be gone! He just can't be!" Buffy collapsed onto the ground and continued to sob. The voices left her alone, and she fell asleep, there on the bathroom floor. 


	2. Chpater 2 It begins!

Well, here we go! Chapter Two! I tried to add some actual plot this time. I hope it's not too slow. Feedback is wanted and needed desperately, but please be kind! Remember, this is my first fan fic. ever! Hope you enjoy! And I still don't own the Buffy characters and blah blah *insert whatever* blah blah.  
  
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Willow, Xander, and Giles were talking in the living room when Buffy came downstairs. "Morning Buff!" said Xander pleasantly. Buffy forced a smile. "Good morning", then she went into the kitchen. Giles turned back to Xander and Willow to continue their conversation. "I really think we should look into this. There's been five suicides in just this past week. This town is very small, and I can't help but think something is going on". "We'll look into it Giles", responded Xander. "Ya! And I'm sure I can get the police reports online" said Willow. Of course they knew she would need to hack into the police's system in order to get them, but that wasn't a problem. "Giles, shouldn't we tell Buffy what's going on?" asked Xander as he looked at Giles questioningly. "I think right now Buffy has enough on her mind," said Giles as he rubbed a cloth on his glass's lenses. "We don't even know if this really means anything. If it gets serious, of course we'll tell Buffy," he said as he put his glasses back on.  
  
As the rest of the gang talked, Buffy sat at the kitchen and ate some corn flakes. Andrew sat across from her and watched her as she ate. "You seem kinda depressed lately Buffy" said Andrew. "Is there anything I can do?" he asked, only with the best of intentions. Buffy looked up at him. "No. It's just PMS Andrew. I can explain more if you'd like," she said menacingly. Andrew quickly got up and nervously shook his head. "No, no, of course not. I'll just um, g-get going now. Bye Buffy" he said quickly as he raced out of the room. Buffy couldn't help smirking as she continued with her cereal.  
  
"I'm going to go for a walk guys, I'll see you later" Buffy said as she stepped outside. It was much nicer than yesterday, and the dark clouds had been replaced with a warm sun. Buffy walked down the street as she examined the small town. They had rented a small place here, in a town not too far from where Sunnydale once stood. Most of the slayeretts had gone off now, but some of them were staying in hotels near by, one of them of course, being Kennedy. Buffy couldn't help but feel a little homesick as she walked around the small town streets. She really did miss Sunnydale. She missed the memories there, the good and the bad.  
  
Buffy felt a pang of sadness as she walked by the town graveyard. She had spent plenty of time in graveyards, but looking at this one she couldn't help but think of all the people she had lost. She lost so many people who had grown close to her. She sighed sadly and had to hold back tears as she thought not only of Spike, but also of Anya. She missed having Anya around. Sure, they tried to kill each other once before, but Buffy knew that Anya really was an amazing person, and things weren't the same without her. But then Buffy realized that throughout all her horrors in Sunnydale, there were three people who had always been there for her, even from the beginning. Xander, Giles, and Willow. They were her original Scooby gang. And there was a kind of peace in knowing that things had returned to the way they had been in the beginning. Sure, Andrew still hung around, but he didn't really do much of anything anyway.  
  
"Here we go! I got something!" exclaimed Willow as she moved the lap top screen so that Giles and Xander could see it. "The names and addresses of the people who died. The police reports don't seem to say much, except that it was very strange. Most of the people who died had no history of depression." Willow began to look more confused and interested as she read on. "The friends actually said that the victims seemed in quite a good mood in the days, even hours, before their death". Willow's eyes widened "One was actually with the woman at the time of her death" continued Willow. "This is sounding pretty suspicious," said Xander. "Maybe we and Will should drop by some of the friend's houses". Giles nodded in approval. "I'll read more of this police report. Come back in a few hours with whatever information you have".  
  
Willow and Xander walked up to the doorstep of a small yellow painted house not far from the center of the town. "So this lady was a good friend of one of the suicide victims?" asked Xander. "Yup" said Willow, "She was a friend of the lady who died just a few days ago. She said that the person who died, Lisa Marchen, was with having coffee with her just hours before she died". Xander knocked on the wooden red colored door and stepped back to wait. A lady about the age of 35 opened the door and looked at them. She was medium build and had short, curly blonde hair. "Hello, may I help you?" she asked. "Umm...Hi! You must be Mrs. Talmen," said Willow, trying to be friendly. "We were wondering if you could tell us anything about Lisa Marchen's death". "Why, yes, I'm Mrs. Talmen," answered the lady, slightly surprised. "And who are you?" Willow drew a blank and glanced at Xander, desperate for help. "Oh, we use to know Lisa." began Xander. "Oh!" exclaimed the blonde woman. "Are you two her students?" "Uh, yes! Yes, we are. We were very close to her," Willow said, catching on quickly. "Ya, we were so surprised to hear she committed suicide. She always seemed like such a happy person. We just kind of thought you might be able to answer some questions for us", continued Xander. "Oh, well, of course. You kids can come right in," said Mrs. Talmen, stepping back to let them in.  
  
Mrs. Talmen led them to a small kitchen where they sat down. "Um, you were with Ms. Marchen just a few hours before she died, weren't you?" asked Willow. "Yes," said Mrs. Talmen, gravely. "We were having coffee together. She was fine, and was actually quite excited about a handsome man she had met recently". She looked down into her drink sadly. "She was suppose to go on a date with him next week". "Can you tell us how she died, what exactly happened, Mrs. Talmen?" asked Xander. The lady looked up at him. "It was the strangest thing really. It was a nice night, so we went for a walk as we sometimes do. This town is so small, no one ever worried about murders or anything like that." Willow fidgeted in her chair a little as the lady continued. "So, we were just walking, and Lisa was fine. We were discussing different breeds of hamsters. Then we got to my house, so I waved goodbye and went to go inside. Lisa continued walking. Before I even got in my house, I heard a gunshot. I ran to where it came from and found Lisa on the ground, with a gun in her hand, dead." Mrs. Talmen paused, and tried to keep her composure. "Um. Mrs. Talmen, did you see anything strange when you found Lisa. Anything a little unusual?" asked Willow. "Well, it's funny you should ask" she said. "I didn't bother mentioning it to the police. They would have thought I was crazy. When I first came around the corner, I saw the strangest thing. There was the large, dark red kind of creature, with black horns, standing a few feet away. Then it just disappeared". Willow looked at Xander, not hiding her surprise and excitement, then turned back to the lady. She was too absorbed in her story to notice Willow's excited expression. "I figured it was just some flash from all the emotion," said Mrs. Talmen. "I've read about it in psychology books, and it's not uncommon for that kind of thing to happen" she said. "Please don't think I'm crazy or anything". "We don't" said Xander reassuringly. "I'm sure it's nothing," said Mrs. Talmen quickly, "but it feels good to tell someone". Willow got up and Xander followed. "Thank you so much Mrs. Talmen. It makes me feel a lot better to know how Mrs. Marchen really died". Mrs. Talmen looked at Willow with much confusion and surprise. "It makes you feel better? Knowing the details of her gruesome death?" she asked in shock. "Um...we really have to go. Thanks again!" said Willow as she grabbed Xander and raced out of the door. 


	3. The Bad Guy

Well, I'm workin' on it, slow but sure. I don't have many reviews right now... (Ok, only 2), but I really appreciate the feedback and advice. Thanks again! Oh, and don't be to mad about the 'Dawn being sent to boarding school' thing. I just wanted to her out of there *wink*, I'm sure most of you can sympathize.  
  
Willow burst through the door and into the living room. The house that the Scoobies were living in was a lot smaller than the old house in Sunnydale. It was a basic two-story house that sat on a small suburban street, but still very close to the downtown area. Currently, Xander, Willow, Giles, Buffy, and Andrew were all living there. Dawn was away for a while at a boarding school. It was a little squishy, granted, but they all liked being close together, especially with all the hard times they were going through. They mostly had kept Andrew out of pity. Andrew lived in the basement. And although none of them would admit it, they liked having him around. Andrew's always good for a laugh.  
  
"Giles!" shouted Willow as Xander stumbled into the door behind her. "Giles! We've got a suspect!" she said, her voice full of excitement as she jumped into the chair closest to Giles.  
  
They filled Giles in on their conversation with Mrs. Talmen and about the red demon. "Well, that's a grand start," said Giles. "Now you two can begin research to try to find who this red demon is".  
  
Willow and Xander groaned in unison. Just then, Buffy walked through the door. "Hey guys," she said.  
  
"Hey there Buffers! How ya feeling?" asked Xander.  
  
"Oh, I'm ok" answered Buffy, and then continued to walk into the kitchen.  
  
"Shouldn't we tell her now guys?" asked Willow, concerned.  
  
"Yes, I believe now would be a good of a time as ever to fill her in" said Giles. "I'll talk to her," said Xander.  
  
Xander peered slowly into the kitchen. "Hey Buff, I've got some stuff to fill you in about".  
  
Buffy looked at up at him, dully. "What would that be?"  
  
"Well, we've found out that there's a demon around that's been responsible for the suicides going around lately", said Xander. "We haven't got a name on him yet, but we're working on it. Just thought you should know".  
  
"Do we even need to deal with this stuff anymore" asked Buffy as she stared into the cup of coffee she had made.  
  
"What do you mean?" asked Xander, confused.  
  
"There are other slayers out there now. Why do we need to do anything? Let them handle it," said Buffy.  
  
"Listen, Buff. Maybe there are other slayers now, but you're the original! You made them what they are! Buffy, the world still needs you! We still need you." Xander looked into her eyes as he spoke.  
  
Buffy was awoken with the last words Xander said. She looked back into his eyes. "Y-You do?" she asked, beginning to choke up.  
  
"Of course Buff", Xander answered. Buffy rapped her arms around Xander and hugged him tightly.  
  
A few tears slid down her face as she hugged one of her best friends. "Oh Buffy" said Xander as he hugged her back  
  
. "I don't know what I'd do without you guys," whispered Buffy.  
  
"Same here" said Xander.  
  
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Buffy looked up from the book she had been reading for the last three hours and watched her friends as they flipped through pages and pages, trying to find this unknown demon. Buffy smiled as she though of all the adventurous they had had together. She rested her chin on the table and studied their faces. They had always been such good friends to her, and she had treated them so badly at times. But that was how she knew they really loved her. They had been through hell and back, literally.  
  
Buffy's eyes looked over at Willow. Willow had always been there to cheer her up. Willow and Xander really were her two best friends, no matter what they went through. Buffy thought of the evil Willow that had once tried to kill them all, and couldn't imagine all that evil coming from the Willow she looked at now. But in a way, that just made Willow even more real, that she had been able to move past it.  
  
And Giles. She had really been neglecting Giles lately. She loved him so much, but even during the final days battling The First, she had been somewhat distant from Giles. It felt like they had never really gotten back into the swing of things since she had died, but now, slowly, things were returning to normal. Giles was the father she never had, and they both knew it, and Buffy knew Giles loved her not just as his slayer, but also as a daughter, as she loved him not just as her watcher, but also as a father.  
  
And lastly came Xander. Xander really was the heart of the team. He was the rock of the gang. She could still see the pain in him from losing Anya, something he wasn't yet ready to get over. "Just like me losing Spike" Buffy thought mournfully. Buffy didn't let herself think about him. Not now, not here.  
  
As she looked around at the faces that meant so much to her, she almost began to cry, but she struggled to hold back her tears, knowing it would probably shock and confuse the others a lot, who were tearing through books to save innocent people.  
  
Buffy realized that she was horribly tired. At first she was afraid to go to sleep. She didn't want to dream about Spike anymore, about him not believing her love. But as she rested her head sideways on the open book in front of her, she felt safe, knowing she was with the people who loved her most. Except maybe for Spike.  
  
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"I've got it!" shouted Giles as he jumped up from his chair, knocking the table and hitting all the sleeping Scoobies as their heads rested on the table.  
  
"Oh- waa?" said Xander, rubbing his eyes. Buffy looked up, startled, and then put her head back onto the long-ago abandoned research book and continued to sleep. Willow squinted her eyes as she looked up at Giles. Meanwhile, Andrew had come in from the kitchen when he heard the commotion. "What's going on guys?" he asked curiously.  
  
"I found it! The demon!" said an excited Giles. "It's called an Empurra".  
  
By now everyone had their attention on Giles. Even Buffy tried to keep her head up to hear what Giles was saying. Buffy hadn't been sleeping well recently. Since Spike died she really couldn't get any sleep. Whether she was awake or asleep, he was always in her head, but at night it upset her most.  
  
"This creature, the Empurra, has the ability to control people through thought," said Giles  
  
"So it's hocus pocusy?" asked Willow  
  
"Not quite" said Giles. "The Empurra doesn't use magic, but somehow manipulates its victims in their minds, forcing them to do things they would never do in their normal state, such as killing themselves"  
  
"Sounds creepy," said Andrew  
  
"Unfortunately there isn't much more information about him" said Giles  
  
Xander moaned "Ok, so we got that he's a classic big red demon with the horns and all. He's into the killing of people, which is a no-no. But how do we stop him?"  
  
"That I'm not so sure about" said Giles wearily as he took of his glasses and began cleaning them.  
  
"What about the library?" said Xander  
  
"Ya! The library will have a lot more books, I'm sure we'll find something that can help us beat this demon thing!" said Andrew with excitement.  
  
Xander and Willow looked at Andrew and then at Giles questioningly  
  
"I suppose we can always use another researcher," sighed Giles.  
  
Andrew couldn't hide his excitement "Cool!" he said. "I'm like Agent Mulder! Searching for the truth!"  
  
Xander rolled his eyes  
  
"Well, I think we've had enough truth-seeking for one day," said Giles. "Let's all get to bed".  
  
Andrew scurried away down to the basement, and Xander helped Giles carry Buffy off to her bed, and for the first time in a month, Buffy got a good night's sleep.  
  
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So, what'd ya think? Ooh! I'm so excited to hear your opinion! I hope you liked it! Well, I've already got most of it planned in my head. I'll try to add more as soon as I can. Thanks for reading! 


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